I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dick very happy bro
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
