morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
