I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
