Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
