In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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