when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
