So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
