just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
