woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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