so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
