you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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