Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
