Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
