So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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