Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
