I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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