i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just found puke in my bra..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
