Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
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I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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