I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
