I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Vodka?
Forever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
