I just made out with a guy for $7.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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