Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
