What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
