new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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