i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
