May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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