She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
