Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
