She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ketchup is God's man juice
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
