I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
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Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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