Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
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there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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