Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
