i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
