I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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