Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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