she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
