i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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