I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
