Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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