Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize