I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
