I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
