I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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