How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
