Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
