We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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