I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
