we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
