he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
