So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You pole danced in your parka.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Randomize
