did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
