If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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