mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
