Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
