the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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