Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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