i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
God, I missed his penis.
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