I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
God, I missed his penis.
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