Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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