I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
