Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
